I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
