woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That accounts for only three of the penises
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
