He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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