everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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