If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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