Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize