My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
