There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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