Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
