6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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