guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
