Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
