you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
