We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
