Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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