i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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