I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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