i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
