rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
