She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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