do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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