Screwed.edu
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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