My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
