I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
