well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
