atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
