Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
