i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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