I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
