just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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