I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
