you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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