my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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