I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
