i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
