god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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