I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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