mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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