I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
