i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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