i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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