I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
