we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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