May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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