Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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