easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
