Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
