Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize