You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
