the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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