i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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