what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
