I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
