Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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