If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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