i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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