I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize