Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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