if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
