Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
