everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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