I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
