I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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