On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
