my phone needs a breathalizer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
