i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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